What I'm struggling with is describing how I'm feeling. Yes, I'm bone tired, I ran several nights on little sleep and then the night before the opening of the garage sale...... I actually didn't quite make it to bed. I lost track of time as I was working in the garage and I knew I was in trouble when I started to hear the birds chirping, telling me that the sun was coming up.
But the part I'm having trouble putting words to, is the emotional toll, the emotional weariness. Selling things that were "special" (.... yes, I kept some special things).... watching people carry around my "memories" in their hands, having absolutely no idea the love and heartache that was "connected" to some of those things. And even more than memories, many things also had "dreams" attached to them...... dreams that I need to let go of... dreams that I spent the day "letting go of" piece by piece as I helped load the crib into the back of someone's pick-up, as I stuffed bargain priced baby clothes into grocery bags that had previously been folded neatly in drawers in the "spare" room, ........ dreams of bringing home an angel through Reece's Rainbow. It takes a unified commitment to do that, and while i would "in a heartbeat" .... God has not placed that same desire on my husband's heart. And never in a million years would I want to do it without him having the same desire. Only God could convince a logically thinking man with valid human fears/concerns to traverse the ocean and bring home a child with special needs.
And somehow, because my heart's desire would be to adopt one or two with Down syndrome..... I've somehow lost sight of how else I can make a difference for these precious orphans. I feel inadequate in my attempts........ and despite the success of this garage sale, and knowing that Cyril is WORTH what was accomplished and the amount of work that was involved. I am overwhelmed with a sense of it not being enough...... that I need to do more.......
I read blogs of many powerful advocates whom have a way of giving voice to these orphans in a way that is making a huge difference. A few of my favorites are Lily's Mom, Patti and Adeye's blog No Greater Joy Mom and Aaron's Mom, Julia Please go check out their blogs!!
And pray that I will be able to let go of MY dreams, MY plans, MY selfishness and let God guide my path. While I cling to MY path, I am not able to see how God can use me, if only I would let him lead to that path HE would have me travel. Even as I pray and try to listen to God's will....... I want SO much to bring things with me to HIS path.... I grieve the shattered dreams that I must leave as God says.... "come"...... leave those plans.......
oh, my goodness....... Lord, please.......... have mercy on me........ help me get to the end of my pitiful self!! then and only then....... can it be truly for YOUR glory.
ok....... good thing I've only got about two followers!! and they already love me ;) I'd scare anyone else away! :) and because there is only a couple of you........ I'm gonna be brave and hit "post".
Yes, Cyril.......... I have not given up ....... I will continue to pray, that your forever family finds you!! and that when they do....... we will have LOT's of money in your account to help them get you home!!!! We will keep fundraising!! just gotta figure out what to do next. :)
***oh, and also.......... SOMEBODY (nevin) was very excited to find a JAMES BOND briefcase at our garage sale!! complete with "secret code locks" to keep bad guys out of it.